Random ruminations

Saturday, January 19, 2019

Reanimation. Revival. Resurrection. You get the idea.

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

"For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Thursday, July 23, 2015

I have anxiety issues. Anxiety issues are the "thing" to have nowadays. It's the new ADHD, I think. Thing is, if you think you have anxiety issues, you probably do. Does that mean you need to be medicated to deal with them? No. Do I think medication is a bad thing? No. Do I think you need to talk to someone about it? Well, if you're asking my opinion, then yes. Yes I do. There is NEVER any shame in asking for help.

Anxiety issues manifest differently for everyone. Panic attacks. Debilitating worry. Shortness with dealing with issues, big or small. Snapping at people. There are tons more. For me, my anxiety was an undercurrent. It was happening underneath everything, and I don't even realize I KNEW it. Life was just merrily trotting along, and I was pulling at it with my heels dug into the ground. There came a point when I had one of those movie-scenes-but-in-real-life, and I realized, I am not myself. That's exactly what I said: "I just don't feel like myself." My ever-present worry that I'd had since being a teenager was an angry demon with me at all times. My attitude was up and I had a chip on my shoulder. Everything pissed me off, and I didn't deal well with being pissed off, so I ripped everyone I came across new assholes.

The breaking point for me was when my parenting started to be affected. Everyone knows parenting is the hardest thing one can ever do. I don't care if you're literally a fucking rocket scientist, raising a child is harder. If you're a parent with anxiety, well just... I dunno. I'm not saying it's harder, but... Well, let's put it this way. You make it harder on yourself if you've got anxiety. Which is exactly what I did. I wanted every choice to be researched, well thought-out, and the RIGHT choice. I put so much pressure on myself to be a good parent that I was putting myself in an early grave. When I started not only being able to not parent well, but to parent badly, I had to get this shit under control. And to the doctor I went.

After an emotional appointment, we both agreed that I wasn't depressed, but it was most definitely anxiety issues. One pill. One eensy weensy little pill helped me so much. I am not kidding. I just evened my keel. It leveled my head. It cooled my cucumber and balanced my chi.

This was all a very, VERY long-winded introduction to me being a nervous wreck today. Most days, with everyday stresses and whatnot, I can keep that head leveled. But today was a day that my family had been waiting on for a year and a half. In Feb. of 2014, my husband Brandon hurt his shoulder at work. A workmans comp. case. Great. We've all heard the horrors of these. But, while the injury sucked, the proceeding surgery and physical therapy went great. He was still in a lot of pain, more than he anticipated, but he was glad he had the surgery.

One week after he went back to full duty in October, he re-injured his shoulder. Technically it was a new injury, but it was the same shoulder and it it all just sucked. Weeks more physical therapy and he wasn't any better. Lots and lots of pain. So they decided to do surgery again. A different surgery to make his muscled and tendons lay better for more comfort and less pain. He did many more weeks of physical therapy, and came out the other side feeling better. However, his shoulder, his life, wasn't the same, and never would be. He doesn't have nearly the range of motion he had. He can't move it certain ways and it brings him a lot of pain if he does, and especially if he's jolted into it moving where it shouldn't. Also, he lost a lot of his strength. He's always been a fit and muscled guy, and I think this hit him hard. IMO only, I think this was a real bummer for him, because he always was proud of how even though he was a littler guy, he was super strong. He's was novelists like to call sinewy. LOL

We were a ball of anxiety this morning. Sweaty palms. Racing hearts. All that. I came along to court with him, because he just doesn't do technical stuff. He's got one of those mechanical and common sense brains. So I was the one that had tons of questions. I was the one that wanted this sentence or that statement clarified. In other words, I was the one that was a pain in the ass to the lawyers today.

When we met with the lawyers and talked and talked, and the bottom line was we needed to come to an agreement as to what percentage his shoulder was at. So, like, his shoulder before anything was at 100%, what was it now. They came to us with a percentage, and I think both of our hearts dropped to our feet. It was NOT the percentage we wanted to hear. So we talked. And talked some more. I have to say that it was refreshing to actually be heard, too. We "countered" with a percentage WE felt was fair. They went off to do their little private talkey talk, and we were left to dread. We mused about what we would do if they didn't give us what was fair. Because from the beginning, we weren't out for blood. I think anyone that actually knows us knows it was never like that. But we wanted FAIR.

Something that rarely happens in people's lives actually happened. Things went our way. We got the percentage we wanted with no fighting, and it was settled right then and there. We were done! The justice system had actually come through for us!!

So what did we do? Well we decided to do our favorite things in celebration. Brandon went fishing and I ate a big ass bowl of ice cream. Oops.

Stay tuned,

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Day zero?

Is this how it's gonna go? Am I going to number days? I don't think I wanna do that. I don't think. I'll prolly make a liar of myself and on day 4,328 I'll have counted every single day and then die.

Today was a good day. I did well eating, and I didn't feel hungry. Yesterday after being in bed for about 10 minutes I realized how hungry I was, so I knew I didn't want to do that today. I planned my lunch and made it last night and knew I'd be ok during the day. I'm busy at work and multi-tasking and even when I'm hungry, I often put off eating to get this or that finished. It's when I get home that shit hits the fan. I wanna run to the fridge and see what I can shove in my mouth chipmunk style. Saying that, I realize I should probably plan a snack around 2:45 or so (Pink Lady apples anyone? Mmmmmmm).

I allow myself two indulgences and no one's gonna budge me on them. My coffee made the way I want it (2 10-oz(ish?) cups a day), and salad dressing. I like a lot of lite dressings and can do vinaigrettes every once in a while, but usually I want a creamy something or other. Oh yeah, and croutons. I try not to tell myself I absolutely, 100% can't have something, cause like a defiant toddler, I will do my damndest to prove myself wrong. I'll obsess over that one food I'm not allowing myself to have until I want to poke my eyes out. And then I have an internal struggle of keeping my eyes or having a Reece's PB cup. Hey guess what? I still have two eyes, so you know which side always wins in that fight.

I made myself a huge salad for lunch. 2 different types of lettuce (butter lettuce (my fave) red looseleaf lettuce), a scattering of bacon bits, 2 tbs. shredded cheese, 1/2 a cucumber and a bunch of grape tomatoes. I topped it with cucumber ranch dressing and garlic and cheese croutons. It was a fat salad and I felt stuffed afterwards, with less than 400 calories on my tally sheet thankyouverymuch.

One thing I need to consciously work on is drinking more water. I've heard all the screaming about all the benefits of drinking a shit ton of water per day, so I gotta get on that.

On the topic of drinks, I would like to allow myself one pat on the back. I haven't had soda, diet or otherwise, in almost 5 months. Dayum guurl!! You done good! I very, very, very much was in love with Diet Cherry Pepsi, and I surprise myself every day when I kinda don't miss them. Kinda.

I came home and started studying, too. I started using a website and app called Quizlet. It's a website that you put terms and stuff in and then it sets ups tests and games and is a great way to stay focused while studying. I use the app while sitting on the toilet at work. Don't judge. You all know you pee and Facebook at the same time. The great thing about Quizlet, as well, is people make a test set and it's there for the public! So those students who have done my class in the past have already done all the work for me, putting in all the data. I get to be lazy AND study at the same time. Score.

Why, you may ask, am I blogging and not studying? Good question. Very good question. I WILL say that I have a quick mind while writing, and I legit type 100+ words a minute, so it's taken me about 20 seconds to type this whole post. So there.

I think I'm gonna come up with a catchphrase. Something catchy and snazzy that will make me famous. So stay tuned.

Monday, July 20, 2015

#planGOST

At the beginning of this year, my BFF Deb and I decided we're gonna get our shit together. How is it that life can be so great and in such shambles at the same time? We had lofty dreams of finding the answers. Enter #planGOST, or, plan: Getting Our Shit Together.

We set goals and set a date to "revisit" said goals and revise as necessary. These goals included things like eat better, exercise more, study harder, and save money. You know, the usual crap that EVERYONE says. But we were serious. We meant business. We were gonna do it. We were women, hear us roar.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

As with a lot of things, it just kinda fizzled out. Big surprise on my part. I can't seem to stick to anything besides carbs for any length of time. And cookies. I can always stick to cookies.

See, in 2013, I lost 85 pounds. I was on top of the world. I exercised every day, watched what I ate, and kicked ass and took names. I was a sexy mofo and I was feeling damn good. I helped the older ladies at work get into a workout routine. I was into cardio. I was into yoga. I hiked. Granted, I was still very overweight, but I was doing awesome.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

Then life happened. And I let it. By Feb of 2014, I had gained 20 lbs. back. By August 2014, I had gained 35 back. The last time I checked, which was about 2 months ago, I had gained 50+ lbs. back. All those clothes that I had gotten when I lost weight? Currently they are my cat's comfy bed on my closet floor. All that energy I had? Nowhere to be found.

Lest you think that's the only failure in my life, let me tell you about school. I started in October of 2014 getting a business degree. This was an awesome program, and the pacing of it was dictated by me! I could crank out 10 classes in one semester if I set my mind to it! And I was gonna! I was gonna knock this sucker out of the park and be done with the whole degree it in a year, MAX.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

As of today, I'm about half done with the degree. Yep, Almost TWO YEARS LATER AND I'M ONLY HALF WAY FINISHED. That pacing that's dictated by me? I can apparently dictate that I be slow as molasses and lazy as fuck.

So with all that happening in my life, and Deb having issues of her own as well, we decided we were gonna get it together. #planGOST was going into effect and we were gonna succeed. We were gonna attain our goals. We were gonna grab life by the horns and make it our bitch. The world was our oyster.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

My oyster? She was screwed. She shriveled up and died and started stinking up the place. I continued to eat like every meal was my last. I continued sitting on my ass. I continued being lazy with my school work. But Deb? She started to do it. To ACTUALLY get her shit together. Her list? She crushed it. Losing weight? Check. Exercising? Check. Saving money? Check. She had goals and she started to go for them.

I'm sure you know where this is going.

But wait? What is this under my ass? A fire? It's getting hot, kids. And I'm feeling it. I gotta get my head in the game. Deb is such an inspiration. She is such a cheerleader. She has taken her oyster and made a pearl. She has taken those bull horns and mounted those suckers. She has made life her biotch. And damn I am proud of her. She tells me she knows I can do it, so it's time to believe her.

Stay tuned. I'll share my goals. I'll share my struggles. I'll bitch a lot and hopefully be proud a lot. Please cheer me on.