Anxiety issues manifest differently for everyone. Panic attacks. Debilitating worry. Shortness with dealing with issues, big or small. Snapping at people. There are tons more. For me, my anxiety was an undercurrent. It was happening underneath everything, and I don't even realize I KNEW it. Life was just merrily trotting along, and I was pulling at it with my heels dug into the ground. There came a point when I had one of those movie-scenes-but-in-real-life, and I realized, I am not myself. That's exactly what I said: "I just don't feel like myself." My ever-present worry that I'd had since being a teenager was an angry demon with me at all times. My attitude was up and I had a chip on my shoulder. Everything pissed me off, and I didn't deal well with being pissed off, so I ripped everyone I came across new assholes.
The breaking point for me was when my parenting started to be affected. Everyone knows parenting is the hardest thing one can ever do. I don't care if you're literally a fucking rocket scientist, raising a child is harder. If you're a parent with anxiety, well just... I dunno. I'm not saying it's harder, but... Well, let's put it this way. You make it harder on yourself if you've got anxiety. Which is exactly what I did. I wanted every choice to be researched, well thought-out, and the RIGHT choice. I put so much pressure on myself to be a good parent that I was putting myself in an early grave. When I started not only being able to not parent well, but to parent badly, I had to get this shit under control. And to the doctor I went.
After an emotional appointment, we both agreed that I wasn't depressed, but it was most definitely anxiety issues. One pill. One eensy weensy little pill helped me so much. I am not kidding. I just evened my keel. It leveled my head. It cooled my cucumber and balanced my chi.
This was all a very, VERY long-winded introduction to me being a nervous wreck today. Most days, with everyday stresses and whatnot, I can keep that head leveled. But today was a day that my family had been waiting on for a year and a half. In Feb. of 2014, my husband Brandon hurt his shoulder at work. A workmans comp. case. Great. We've all heard the horrors of these. But, while the injury sucked, the proceeding surgery and physical therapy went great. He was still in a lot of pain, more than he anticipated, but he was glad he had the surgery.
One week after he went back to full duty in October, he re-injured his shoulder. Technically it was a new injury, but it was the same shoulder and it it all just sucked. Weeks more physical therapy and he wasn't any better. Lots and lots of pain. So they decided to do surgery again. A different surgery to make his muscled and tendons lay better for more comfort and less pain. He did many more weeks of physical therapy, and came out the other side feeling better. However, his shoulder, his life, wasn't the same, and never would be. He doesn't have nearly the range of motion he had. He can't move it certain ways and it brings him a lot of pain if he does, and especially if he's jolted into it moving where it shouldn't. Also, he lost a lot of his strength. He's always been a fit and muscled guy, and I think this hit him hard. IMO only, I think this was a real bummer for him, because he always was proud of how even though he was a littler guy, he was super strong. He's was novelists like to call sinewy. LOL
We were a ball of anxiety this morning. Sweaty palms. Racing hearts. All that. I came along to court with him, because he just doesn't do technical stuff. He's got one of those mechanical and common sense brains. So I was the one that had tons of questions. I was the one that wanted this sentence or that statement clarified. In other words, I was the one that was a pain in the ass to the lawyers today.
When we met with the lawyers and talked and talked, and the bottom line was we needed to come to an agreement as to what percentage his shoulder was at. So, like, his shoulder before anything was at 100%, what was it now. They came to us with a percentage, and I think both of our hearts dropped to our feet. It was NOT the percentage we wanted to hear. So we talked. And talked some more. I have to say that it was refreshing to actually be heard, too. We "countered" with a percentage WE felt was fair. They went off to do their little private talkey talk, and we were left to dread. We mused about what we would do if they didn't give us what was fair. Because from the beginning, we weren't out for blood. I think anyone that actually knows us knows it was never like that. But we wanted FAIR.
So what did we do? Well we decided to do our favorite things in celebration. Brandon went fishing and I ate a big ass bowl of ice cream. Oops.